Friday, December 3, 2010

Will You be My Trans-friendly Neighbor?

So, I’m back! The Thanksgiving camping trip of doom is successfully completed, and I am currently on a recovery path to be back on track for the holiday festivities that I adore so much. In all honesty, the trip wasn’t all that bad, a little (okay a lot) less organized than I like for both camping trips and Thanksgiving dinners, but in the end, it all came together. A couple of us however did have to work our asses off to get to that point but such is life.

I don’t know if I let you all know this since it did coincide with the getting ready to go camping with a group of people with “no” camping gear; but I added progesterone in the form of Provera to my hormone cocktail. Despite the horror stories I have heard, so far so good. Though you might have to ask my friends for a truly third party sort of perspective. Hopefully it will “help” progress along.

On a side note unrelated to the Provera, I have spent almost a week now battling some sort of stomach bug that has been making my life miserable, top that off with a touch of a UTI and well, you can imagine what I have been feeling like. On the up side, I have gotten to catch up on some of the sleep I lost while camping, AND I have cranberry juice to mix into my apple juice, which really makes me happy!

In other news, Christmas time is upon us, this does happen to be my favorite part of the year. Just so much fun stuff going on concurrently. I hope that this year, while everybody is strapped for cash, will be loaded with fun stuff for everyone. For all of you bah-humbug-ers out there, it doesn’t have to be a lonely miserable holiday, so don’t make it that way!

My girlfriend came to visit for the Thanksgiving holiday, that part was AWESOME! It seems kind of ironic that I am so good a bottling up my emotions that I don’t seem to appreciate how miserable I am without her until she comes home<3 We didn’t really get to spend the amount of time doing the things what we really wanted to do, but there is something to be said for sleeping in each others embrace…

Aside from all of that stuff, the big move is on the horizon… If my girlfriend manages to land a decent job somewhere, I will be moving to be with her wherever she may be. This is a very scary proposition to me seeing that I have lived in the great state of Florida my entire life. I don’t really know any place else and am scared to death that people in other places treat “locals” the same way they treat me as a “tourist”…. Not bashing other places, but it seems from time to time that other states seem to have a less than hospitable approach to outsiders…. Granted you get that in Florida too, but I would be willing to bet a large percentage of the jerk-face population are not native…

I guess in reality land, I am just using the people excuse as just that, an excuse. There are so many uncertainties that I just don’t know what I should be thinking about. I really can’t wait to experience a new place, and start over meeting new people and try all the things that locals do. At the same time, what am I going to do if I struggle with making friends in the new city as I do in the city that I have practically lived in my entire life?

So, while job searching we have decided that wherever we move must be fairly trans friendly, and if not exactly trans friendly, at least trans safe…

Atlanta is the closest to home, but I am a little concerned about the isolation factor of Atlanta, being surrounded by rural Georgia which is not known for its tolerance. The other down side to Atlanta is that I have family there which is attractive to my less than accepting parents, however on the up side is that a lot of our college friends have made their way there and we (my girlfriend and I) would start off with a small little friend circle.

Washington DC is a little further from home, it is a hotbed of trans activity (which you might know how I feel about that double edge sword by this point), and has at least one guaranteed accepting relative. Now that’s not exactly a lot to build on, but I am sure that with a little involvement, that could turn into a fairly decent place to live. The down side is that it is a pretty darn expensive place to live, and well, we’re poor.
There is the Pacific Northwest, up there, like Portland Oregon, and Seattle Washington, both of which are indicated as being fairly trans friendly but also an epicenter of amazing wilderness, which is a definite plus plus for me, but it is a few thousand miles away from anybody I know. We would be starting from absolute zero….

Then there is the great state of California, the land of fruits and nuts…. Yeah I guess I could fall into the category lol. At any rate, with crazy high cost of living, and fairly regular earthquakes (yes I know that Atlanta has earthquakes as well but not like California) it is at the bottom of my list. My girlfriends best friend is set to be moved out there by her current employer, so that would be a plus I guess, and while I do know a few people out there, I really haven’t seen most of them since college, and in most cases high school, that could be weird…

This is a call out to all of those that read this blog, and while I know that most of my hits are just my girlfriend being OCD, there are definitely some of you out there that can add some input to this topic. So DO IT!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

I'm Chasing Daydreams of a Green Thanksgiving

So, Thanksgiving is coming up, and this year we are doing something completely different (for us that is). We are going camping. Now I don’t know how many of you are campers, but I happen to love it. It is one of my favorite pastimes. I don’t mean “camping” I mean CAMPING, none of that air conditioned, live in a white aluminum box with wheels, “wait, I need to aim my Direct TV dish or I will miss Peoples Court” sort of stuff.

I enjoy packing a bag, and going on a walk, when I find a place to camp, I set up a tent (or hammock) and call it a night.

My girlfriend seems to enjoy the concept, though she has never actually gone hiking. We have however gone camping together. We spent a weekend at a local state park about this time about two years ago, and while we haven’t really had time to go since (you know what I’m talking about if you’ve ever had a job working for a national corporate retail chain), but have threatened to many many times… I don’t think that it is our way of avoidance so much as truly lacking resources. At any rate, my girlfriend seemed to really enjoy herself, even though the bath house situation worked on her “tendencies” a bit. Our puppy dog however, LOVED EVERY SECOND!.

By the way, a certain someone brought up ownership of a certain furry somebody. That being said, I would like to clarify that the puppy actually belongs to my girlfriend. I am on the other hand an adopted pack mate. In the hierarchy of our pack, my girlfriend is the alpha, and the puppy and myself are pack mates.

At any rate, the puppy dog loved laying in the dirt, walking through the woods, wanting to chase all of the wonderful squirrels as they bounded through the canopy.

I guess my girlfriend and I romanticize nature a bit. Both of us enjoy the quiet, seeing what happens if we weren’t there to mess it up…

We have been talking about and planning an Appalachian Trail hike this coming May for the better part of six months now. I can’t go an entire day without thinking about the trip, I spend a few hours a week fiddling with my pack, or some part of my hiking gear. I have created at least a hundred different lists detailing what to pack, what I need to practice, read up on, or master the skill of.

At the present, I have successfully started a fire without matches using no less than Six different methods. My personal preference is for the fire steel method. There is something very satisfying about running a knife blade down a fire steel and catching sparks in some dry tender which in turn quickly results in a fire. The bow method is also quite effective though a lot more time consuming and tries my patience as does solar magnification. Natural flint and a steel blade works amazingly well, so does the magnesium fire starter, and flashlight battery with steel wire methods. Unfortunately the only one that could be pulled off without any carried along gear is the bow method…

Beyond that, the Thanksgiving Camping project is coming together nicely. I can’t wait to get out into the woods with my family and have a delicious meal of the finest vittles one can muster in the woods. There is talk of turkey cooked in a tin-foil tee-pee, genuine Dutch oven cookery, possibly some cobbler or even fruit pies… YUMMY!

I think the part I am most excited about is getting to camp out in the tent with my girlfriend and our puppy curled up in a big ole pile. I haven’t seen my girlfriend since August 16, and I want nothing more than to feel safe in her arms again… She is the center of my world and when I am with her, nothing else matters.

And since I am feeling mushy at the moment, here are the lyrics from “our song”

P.S. Sorry for the typos, but the lyrics are a cut and paste job…

Shades Apart
Chasing Daydreams

Watch the night sky at my window
While the world is fast asleep
I stare into the unknown
I will have no fear as long as you're with me

I will catch your fall- i'll keep the world away
Chasing after daydreams- i am unafraid
Catch me if i fall- in your arms i'm safe
Chasing after daydreams

World gone mad outside my window
Try to buy a higher life
I won't need another thing
I will go on dreaming if you stay with me

I will catch your fall- i'll keep the world away
Chasing after daydreams- i am unafraid
Catch me if i fall- in your arms i'm safe
Chasing after daydreams

Let them tell secrets about us
Jaded words don't mean a thing
We are just beginning
There's no limit we will go on chasing dreams

I will catch your fall- i'll keep the world away
Chasing after daydreams- i am unafraid
Catch me if i fall- in your arms i'm safe
Chasing after daydreams

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Radio Killed the LGBT-eo Star

It always amazes me when people you would otherwise think are quite intelligent, say something completely, well, wrong.

This afternoon, I was listening to talk radio.

Wait, before I go on, yes I listen to “talk” radio. Normally NPR. However today I was listening to actual talk radio, the kind where the crazies of the world express their twisted views of the world. This happened to be a particular semi-local personality who regularly preaches the virtues of social conservatism. This is not what I listen to, but instead what my MOM listens to…. Yeah….. We will talk about mom in another blog…
At any rate, the radio personality brought on a representative of a regional LGBT organization to talk about trans peoples rights…. Yeah, lets talk about the community for a sec…

LGBT stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender… I would like to know why the heck that we, the “T” in LGBT got stuck way the heck at the end. Throughout the history of LGBT activism, the trans community has been right at the forefront, in fact, I believe you would be hard pressed to find some video of a LGBT rally (or riot) where there is not some disheveled trans person marching with a sign, or throwing a molotov cocktail…. The point I am trying to make here is, a “community”, that is fighting to come out of the shadows, puts their most discriminated, degraded, and criticized people, who happen to be some of the most recognized examples of the community, at the very end of their acronym.

The real reason behind this is actually “gay separatism” . This is the belief that while trans people have (and will continue to) stood up for the rights of the “community”, some gay and lesbian people believe that the bi and trans people should just take a hike because our issues are not the “same”… Yeah, I’m not going to get into that at the moment, but rest assured that I do not agree…

Anyway, back to the point of the detour, in a “community” where the trans demographic is a tacked on tail, maybe, those representing us should be thoroughly aware of the group they are talking about.

So, the representative tackled the LGB questions without even flinching. Deflected intentional misrepresentations and set the record straight (or in this case, gay) on all accounts. However, when the topics moved into the “T” side of the spectrum, the representative quickly became a detriment to the community instead of an asset…

The first leak in the sinking ship came from a statement by the radio personality regarding “men in dresses, using women’s restrooms” and the “dangers of potential child molestation and abduction” associated with. Now, instead of playing it cool, and indicating that every day thousands of trans people use public bathrooms, and every day hundreds of children are abused, molested, and/or abducted, and every day, molesters, abusers, and abductors are arrested for those crimes, the number of those arrested people that are trans? It is not even a statistical factor…. It doesn’t occur with any greater probability than non trans people, in fact if you factor in that there are far more non-trans people than trans people, each trans-abuser would wreak havoc on the trans statistic. 1 out of 1,000 is .1% 1 our of 100 is 1%, and THAT is a big difference. Instead the rep spent his rebuttal engaging the “men in dresses” commentary using my ultimate biggest pet peeve “Woman trapped in a man’s body” argument. Thank you very much for making no headway on the common misconceptions of the populous, by going as far as to perpetuate the stereotype, AND letting the radio personality off the hook with calling me a potential child molester…

Next came classic nomenclature problem. I suppose that the trans community is a little to blame for this, primarily by allowing ourselves to be called transgendered as a whole, but really subscribing to quite different functionalities of gender deviance. I for example take offence to being called a transvestite. Why you may ask? Well, I am NOT a transvestite! A transvestite is someone that crossdresses for purely sexual gratification, the best way to exemplify this is to stand a transvestite and a transsexual side by side, tell them that to continue on, that they will have to give up their ability to orgasm, so in effect, removing the sexual gratification associated with presenting as the opposite sex. The trans person will most likely go on, the transvestite will take a hike. So, throughout the whole interview, the radio personality referred to trans people as a whole as transvestites, crossdressers, trannies, and transsexuals. Did the representative stop the radio host once to set the record straight? NOPE!

The final blow came about when the representative themselves failed to separate gender identity and sexual preference in their statements and explanations. This always irks me, primarily because it perpetuates another trans stereotype. You know, the one that trans women are just fem gay guys, and trans men are just butch lesbian women. Just FYI, trans people are available in all flavors of the sexual preference rainbow, all way from hetro-nymphos to asexual hermits.

Moral of this story is that, while I have no issue being an LGBT advocate, I do take issue with representatives of the “community” having knowledge that seems more


Know your facts!

BTW, my parents are probably watching FOX news right now….


So, for a while now I have been a closet follower of Lady Vixion on YouTube.  Apparently she has been “deleted”  which really pisses me off. 

In case you don’t know who Lady Vixion is, she is a trans woman, who makes weekly videos that address issues that present themselves throughout her (which sadly I can all too often identify with) life.  Sometimes they are fun like the satirical look at “Drag Makeup” and sometimes they leave you crying after being touched…  In a good way…  Now, while I have watched just about every video that has been posted on the channel, I struggle to recall a point where I was offended, or exposed to something any more graphic or obscene than can be currently found on YouTube.

While I do enjoy a good conspiracy theory, I just can’t even fathom what benefit YouTube corporate would  gain from deleting a popular poster.  I guess what it boils down to is that their (YouTube) terms of service are so vague regarding the content of which is acceptable 

So, that being said. I decided to outline the first five terms of service and add links to videos that violate those terms:

YouTube is not for pornography or sexually explicit content. If this describes your video, even if it's a video of yourself, don't post it on YouTube. Also, be advised that we work closely with law enforcement and we report child exploitation.

Don't post videos showing bad stuff like animal abuse, drug abuse, under-age drinking and smoking, or bomb making.

Graphic or gratuitous violence is not allowed. If your video shows someone being physically hurt, attacked, or humiliated, don't post it.

YouTube is not a shock site. Don't post gross-out videos of accidents, dead bodies or similar things intended to shock or disgust.

Respect copyright. Only upload videos that you made or that you are authorized to use. This means don't upload videos you didn't make, or use content in your videos that someone else owns the copyright to, such as music tracks, snippets of copyrighted programs, or videos made by other users, without necessary authorizations.

Okay, there are more, but I think you get the point, that is the first five rules and took me about 15 minutes to find the videos by simply typing in key words from the rules themselves….

Now, do I think YouTube targeted Lady Vixion?  Nah, I think more likely someone got their panties in a wad, and reported one of the videos that was closer to the threshold of being within the rules.  Or maybe the advertisers just didn't want their adds being associated with a well articulated, intelligent, and beautiful trans woman...Then again, what the heck do I know. 

What really pisses me off is the vague TOS that YouTube chooses to administrate from.  Is there a morality panel sitting somewhere deep in the bowels of Googleplex?  Possibly a round table with some bible thumping TVangelicals, a delegation from Westborough Baptist Church, Terry Jones, and chaired by Sarah Palin?

In the meantime, all I want to see now is Lady Vixion find a new home so I can get my freakin’ 5-minute opinion fix!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

But Wait, There's MORE!

As promised, below is my girlfriends response to my last post:

I think Dana is right on the mark ... plus it doesn't hurt to have an amazingly supportive girlfriend like myself to make you a believer! Har har, actually we struggled with those initial conversations and first firsts. It took a looonng time for us engage the "elephant" in the room. I think it's important to note that even the most open minded partner will need to come to terms with what having a trans partner means for them. Depending on where one is in transition can vary that a lot.. and as things change.. that does too . I know we did a lot wrong before we got it right .. And we are still learning everyday.
It's true I think making friends with one of Dana's friends was invaluable. She was farther along and prepping for her SRS when we met but I have to admit I had followed her blog for a long time before that. We talked about everything and I wasn't afraid to be blunt in my 345654456 questions. It also was a great spring board for conversations with Dana. I would use some caution here though because your primary goal is communication with your partner and you do not want them to feel like you are more comfortable with someone else. Every time I talked with our friend I would use it to initiate a more personal talk with Dana and we grew leaps and bounds. I can still remember what it felt like to have open conversations for the first time . Truly amazing.
I think trying to understand from your partners perspective is also invaluable as long as you realize the best way to truely get where they are coming from is to ask them. Some of the typical relationship problems are exacerbated by the new uncharted territory one or both people are experiencing.
Also, I would to note after the initial adjustment you know ( from this perspective) if you will be ok with this. If you or your partner are not sure they can handle it please for everyone involved be upfront and talk it out. It's hard to discuss these matters but it's so important to talk it out even if that means a break up.
Communication is key but it can be so tough sometimes. Up front, regular, real, honest dialogue is the only way for success. I can't stress it enough!!

I also think it is important to remember that a lot of your success will be purely unpredictable, contrary to Dana's personality commentary, which is somewhat valid, I think that sometimes you just have to give it a go. Now, am I telling you to "out" yourself to someone who will obviously flip out - or someone that is likely to become dangerous. .. no... but I am saying people might surprise you. For example, if someone would have asked me if I would be madly in love and spending the rest of my life with someone that was "transgendered", I would have had said .. is what??! What's that?!? and I would have probably tried to play off my uncomfortableness. I thought terms like crossdresser, drag queen, transvestite and transsexual were all the same thing.. and yeah, I am obviously not that person anymore.. but who knew?!?!
Life is good, love is grand! I feel so lucky ! xoxoxo

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Introduction to Trans-Relationship Building in the Modern World 4602

I have read several blogs on here about relationships with trans people. Not the kind you get from uninformed people, but the kind that come from the people within them. You know, it is not a very promising scenario.

Any trans person can tell you that while you loose many things when you transition, it’s the relationships that seem to disappear the fastest. For most people the issue of trans people is very cut and dry. I guess for the most part it is true, you are either cool with it or you’re not. Whatever your motives or logic may be, some people are predestined to be open minded.

At any rate, I digress. Where I was going with this is that significant others seem to be the area of most heated contention. I figured that myself being in an open and functional relationship that it might be most beneficial for me to share my perspective. (And if my girlfriend wants to write a rebuttal I will gladly post it here as well for you to read)

First of all, and I can’t stress this enough. If you are just starting out in a relationship, and you are in the least big gender dysphoric, TELL YOUR PARTNER! If they have issue with it, then it is way better to know now than after you’re seriously vested in the relationship. Be up front, be frank, walk in with loads of information and resources to share. If your partner is seriously interested in you, it may take some time to come to terms with the whole possibility but it is important for them to know. Make sure to answer any of their questions to the best of your knowledge, and whenever possible help them find places to do more research on their own. The internet is a wealth of credible (and quite a bit of not so credible) information so it is easy to find answers to even the most complex of questions.

If this person would rather talk to others in similar situations, there are plenty of us, including our partners, that are more than happy to answer questions that may not be easy to answer. You know the stuff like “My boyfriend likes to crossdress, does that make him gay?” To answer the question: Maybe, but it has no bearing on whether your boyfriend may or may not be homosexual; chances are, if they told you about their crossdressing, that likely they are more into you than your brother if you know what I mean.

Now that we covered the best case scenario, the other possibility, worst case scenario, your significant other will flip out and dump you, tell your friends, and post on your Facebook hateful messages. In that case, well, that bitch is psycho, and you can pretty much use that as your defense. It’s not uncommon for people to not be okay with this, and you shouldn’t force it upon them. Most people that flip off the deep end are compensating for insecurities of their own.

The thing in this to remember is that mate selection is important, and while nobody wants to get involved with someone based on personality alone, it really needs to be at the forefront when looking for a long term relationship. You have to remember that while girl A may be hot, she belongs to the KKK and likes to go to sunday school in her free time. Girl B on the other hand, is hot, but she likes to go to human rights rallys and is a vegan. While these are very extreme examples, I know you can identify the person that is most likely to be cool with your trans tendencies. Okay, if you’re scratching your head, it’s girl B… At any rate, if you’re just hooking up with someone as a f-buddy, then treat it as such, do your business and move on. But if you’re truly looking for a serious relationship, a little targeted selection will greatly increase your chances of success. As a note in this, a beautiful personality is, as corny as it sounds, way more important than looks.

This brings about another side note, being in a relationship is supposed to make you feel special, wonderful, happy, and more. It has nothing to do with “looking good in pictures” and making “cute babies”.

Okay, now we have covered the basics of getting involved, in summery tell potential long term partners up front, the worst they can do is go psycho, in which case they lose credibility and face anyways. Best case, they will take a little adjusting but otherwise be cool to continue and find out more. A solid relationship is built upon a solid foundation. Understanding is the strongest foundation material of all, and upon understanding, everything else can be constructed to beat the most destructive forces known to relationships.

Now, lets say that you have been in a relationship for a long while, and you can’t hold it in any longer. You are going to have to realize that no matter the situation, your significant other is going to feel somewhat betrayed. Being lied to is terribly destructive to the foundation of a relationship. The thing you have to realize is that before all of this even occurs, a person likely has a pre-disposition to understand or be comfortable with gender variance or neither. This is something you may want to determine before you spill the beans. A lot of this understanding has to do with your behavior, if you go around being macho man, making fun of gay and trans people, you are breeding those behavioral traits in your partner.

I know that a lot of you are sitting out there shaking your heads saying no way Jose at that last concept, but it is entirely true. If you have been in a relationship for quite some time, take a serious look back at the way your behaviors relate to your partners responses. Nobody wants to be accused of toadyism, but seriously the obsequious nature of blossoming romance tends to change peoples perceptions of the world with a drop of a hat. Try it if you’re not sure, all of a sudden take a stand on something like um white versus yellow corn in tortilla chips, if you can back that stand with a valid well articulated argument in support of your corn favor, then your partner will likely follow suit. It doesn’t have to be an argument, stuff like saying “I like the flavor of the yellow corn better, it’s more earthy and tastes like something” then later, add that you should switch to yellow cornmeal for your hushpuppies because you think it makes for a more savory hushpuppy. You’re not telling your partner that yellow corn is the only corn, but instead you are indicating your favor of something that likely your partner has never thought about, has had no direct experience with, and really has no opinion of. By approaching a topic in this manner, your partner knows how you feel and feels as though they are developing their opinion of their own free will.

Exposure can be even more helpful to this cause than the power of suggestion. Find a relatively normal trans person (which is a challenge in its’ own right) and make them a family friend somehow. Exposure to other trans people will allow your partner to understand that trans people are not boogie monsters, and that being trans does not have to be a Jerry Springer episode.

Together, it would look something like:
Lets take for example, you love to go fishing and you talk about it all the time. However, your partner does not share the immediate love of fishing. Now they are either going to put their foot down and say not a chance, OR they are going to go along with you, and either pretend to like it to spend time with you, or actually like it and become involved. This translates directly to the trans scenario, they are either going to put their foot down, and not be okay with it, in which case there is no point trying to figure it out, or they are going to try to understand and want to work with you, which is a start, or they’re going to be heck yeah, lets do this!

Once you have worked on the backdrop, it is time for the big show. Pick a nice quiet time, setting up nothing suspicious. Perhaps a dinner at home together where you will have no interruptions for the night. Sit down, look your partner directly in the eyes and explain that you need to talk about something very serious in a cool calm sort of way. DO NOT beat around the bush, you do not want your partner to have time to start playing scenarios through their mind. Explain where you stand, how that applies to your relationship, and where you would like to be in the future. Then talk about it, do not let the situation get out of control, and maintain eye contact at all times. You need to make sure that your partner is aware that you are 100% devoted to answering their questions and concerns.

Okay, hopefully you read to this point before you did the above, this is where I tell you that this will take time to resolve, no matter how understanding your partner may or may not be, it will take time for all of the fallout to settle. I want you to know that you can not force a relationship to work, you must be fully aware of that. If the damage done by this is the catalyst of failure, then that’s all it will be. You have to know that sharing this part of yourself is part of growing as a person and as a couple.

It is at this point that I would like to take a moment and talk about those of the lesser faith. Crossdressers and transvestites are in a even more difficult position than a normal transsexual person. Both CD and TV people do not have to face the internal conflict of being TS. My advice is easy for the people in new relationships, go ahead and tell them, let them know up front, if it doesn’t work out, you really haven’t lost anything but some time. Where it gets tricky is when a TV or CD has been in a long term relationship and wants to begin sharing it with their partner… Well, I don’t have any good advice other than what I have already given. Unfortunately TV and CD people have a lot more to lose if their partner can’t accept them, and will not forgive them for deceiving them for so long, and there is really no good advice for the situation…

At any rate, remember good functional relationships will work it out, they are dynamic, and the people within them are dynamic. Everything can change at any moment and couples bound to stick together know that the direction in which things progress can be dictated by one person or the other, or even both people in unison. Trust, and understanding means that both people in a relationship can and will count on the each other to do what is in the best interest of the pair.

Being loved is worth every second of the journey.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Last Dance With Mary Jane Through District 6 and Part of 3

So, while I am still avoiding the serious blog post, I figured that I would write yet another diversionary blog posting about something unrelated.

Today, I had an interview for a job… FINALLY! Unfortunately, I took my college degree off of my resume as to not be “overqualified” for something I am vastly overqualified to do. However, since I have been unemployed for seven months, I will be grateful, and do my best at anything at this point. That being said, lets all keep our fingers crossed, for that to come through or something even better.

In other news, prop 19 didn’t pass in California… I heard a lot of people were going to vote for it, and then they got high. Hey just kiddin, stoners are cool with me. It however is going to take more than a bunch of stoners to change public perception of marijuana. The unfortunate stigma ironically has a lot to do with one particular California industry. Yes the movie industry loves a good stoner flick, and well the public likes to believe that all who smoke are of the Cheech and Chong variety. On the other hand, if you really wanted to make some headway, get North Dakota to try similar legislation, or even Alaska. Both states have fairly small populations in respect to their land area, which would make enforcement for the fed cost prohibitive, AND you only have to convince a few thousand people that already smoke pot that pot should be legalized. Just saying, it would be a good political strategy…

In other political news, Florida is flush with new crooked politicians following the election, not that we had a whole lot of great people to select from in the first place. Something positive that we DID gain was amendments that specify how political districts shall be formed so that we don’t end up with the crooks drawing districts to encompass a particular demographic so that their re-election bids will be more successful. In case you were not aware, in Florida it is not uncommon for cities to have multiple congressional districts that split up areas of specific demographics. Lets take Marion county for example, on the west side of the county which has a high concentration of African Americans and Hispanics, shares the same district as all but the Southeastern corner of Alachua county, which happens to be the liberal Mecca called UF, and extends all the way into the Southeastern corner of Jacksonville. So, if you are keeping track, we have made a district in the shape of a “ < “. But even that is a normal shape compared to districts 8 and 24...

Aside from all of that stuff, nothing else new to report. I am feeling a touch of the flu coming on, so if you get some fuzzy sounding blogs for a few days, give me a break, I am doing the best that I can!

Monday, November 1, 2010

A Laundry Fueled Roller Coaster

Welcome to the train wreck!

While I sit here listening to Christmas music (I do that when I feel really REALLY crummy because it tends to pick me up) trying to get out of my funk, I just can’t seem to get a foothold. I don’t know why I woke up in the funk this morning, but it is really kicking my ass! So far today, I have tried most of my old tricks, the hot shower, the Christmas music, the apple juice, the puppy pile, even chocolate couldn’t seem to break it… I hope this turns around, I mean is really isn’t making me want to go kill myself or anything, but am just not being productive at all.

Well, I guess writing a blog is somewhat productive. Maybe, sorta kinda.

I am doing some laundry at the moment, and it is accumulating in a large pile in the middle of my bed. At this point I am not sure what is better, dirty clothes in a basket out of the way, or a pile of clean clothes in the way. You all already know how I feel about folding, hanging, and other forms of clothing organization, so being not emotionally up to the task is further compounding the trouble of getting motivated and on task.
In other news, the “clothes sorting” project ended abruptly this morning when I gave up on it and threw all the leftovers back in their drawers just to get them out of my sight.

Is it wrong to struggle with this sort of “depression”? I mean, what is the acceptable level that is considered normal. I have been bloging on this page for about a week now and have mentioned being down quite frequently. While I reflect upon the week overall, it doesn’t seem as though it was a depressed week. I mean sure, I had my down time, but I definitely had at least as much up time along with that. Maybe it’s just that I feel most like writing or talking about how I feel when at the bottom of the barrel. Really, I’m not a depressed person, I swear! In fact, while writing this last sentence I was even smiling thinking about how crazy the whole thing sounds.

Maybe I just have some sort of personality disorder… In fact I would likely be willing to bet if I have one, I have several, so I suppose I could have multiple personality disorder, and each personality has it’s own disorder.

I mean, a lot of people really dislike me. That could be because I am sarcastic, or trans, or even just an asshole. Any way you slice it, people either really like me or really dislike me. So, does this trace back to a personality disorder, or is it just because I am surrounded by people that just don’t operate on the same wavelength as I do.

One of the cutest things on earth is a dog having a dream. My doggie is sitting next to me at the moment apparently having a really great dream. He seems to be running for a second, then he stops, jumps and barks a few times, and then picks up the chase again. His paws flailing and the muffled barks while he’s sleeping bring a huge smile to my face every time he does it. On a related note, without this dog, I would be a worse mess than I am at the moment. He has been following me around all day, and every time I stop to do something he either sits down or lays down while touching me. I guess he knows that I am in the funk and also knows that warm furry loving helps <3

Well, it’s time to throw another load of laundry on my bed, so I guess I better cut this one short.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Riding the Hormone Rollercoaster

So, while I still sit around and avoid posting the serious stuff, I figured that the best thing to do would be to write something else.  Today is Halloween, and while I am not planning on doing anything for the holiday, it happens to be one of my most favorite of holidays.  Halloween is not special to me because it is Halloween but because it is the beginning of the holiday season.  Next stop THANKSGIVING!  Now, Thanksgiving is a real holiday! 

Another thing I can’t wait for is Tuesday.  Election day is long overdue, and we all know what the best part of election day is.  No, it has nothing to do with the free election of representation, but everything to do with ending the ceaseless commercials, automated telephone calls, and those signs, oh the signs! By this Wednesday, it will all be a somewhat distant memory!

So, this weekends project was a run through my wardrobe….  Unfortunately, it resulted in the culling of a rather large percentage of my closet.  That’s not a good thing considering how finite my resources are at the moment.   I do however have a ton of time on my hands, so maybe that will result in some thrifting or constructing some clothes on my own.  But then again, probably not since even both of those options cost money that I would be better advised to spend on medication or blood tests or something of that nature.
In other news, I was watching Father of the Bride, and broke out into a hysterical fit of crying.  Don’t ask me why but it just seemed appropriate at the moment! HA  I sat there sobbing until the commercial break, and just as quickly as the feeling overtook me, it was over and back to business as usual.  The next thing I knew I was standing in the fridge with a jar of sweet Gerkins in one hand and a box of saltines in the other.  God I love the rollercoaster!

Tomorrow, or rather at this point, later today, it is laundry day!  Once I get my clothes clean and put away, I am sure that it will be time to have another laundry day.  I really wish that the world would get over its phobia of wrinkled clothes,  Because honestly, laundry would be hella easier if you could just sort your laundry into loads by drawer.  That way, the laundry goes from the dryer to the drawer in one fell swoop.  In fact, if you thought about it, you could just take the drawer to the laundry room and just pile the clothes right out of the dryer into the drawer…  I suppose for that to work however, would probably require drawers to be sorted by color and not what type of clothing is it.  Would that even create a problem anyway?

Speaking of, another pet peeve is when people pronounce drawer as “draw”….

Thursday, October 28, 2010

88 MPH

I am craving a burrito at the moment like no other.

Today was pretty uneventful, I actually wrote a very long blog about my past, and have decided not to post it until I feel as though it’s done. I had to stop about halfway through the story just so I could take some time and build up some strength to overcome the emotions that are stirred up by accessing this sort of stuff. I am sure that a lot of you have had similar stories in your life.

Not to give away tomorrows blog, but more than 650 cases of child sexual abuse are reported every single day. The follow-up statistic for those children are crazy, with high percentages of them ending up in jail or with some sort of STD… If you have a child, PLEASE talk to them, make sure they know they can trust you to do the right thing, be there for them… And if they tell you someone is being sexually inappropriate with them, no matter who it is, pay attention to them!

In other news, I think I may have concussed myself this evening. While I was in the bathroom cleaning the sink, I noticed that there a moth caught in the window of the shower. Being the old softie that I am, I stepped on the bathtub, opened the window, let the moth out, and then closed the window. As I stepped down I suddenly noticed that my foot was going to land on a travel size bottle of shampoo on the floor, so I attempted to divert, only to entirely lose my balance and fall backwards hitting my head on the bathroom counter. Unfortunately I didn’t come to with the image of the flux capacitor in my head, but instead I found broken bottle of Pert on the floor, and a large lump on my head. That being said, if I don’t wake up tomorrow, you all will know what happened.

Why is it that the only time house makes unsettling noises is when you’re home by yourself? I spook really easily even though I live in one of the most boring neighborhoods in the world. It’s just the sort of place serial killers just love…. Or at least that’s what the movies lead you to believe.

With all of that being said, I will apologize for the brevity of this blog, but I promise you that I will more than make up for it tomorrow, er, today, just later .

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Credit Where Credit is Due in Full by the Thirtieth of the Month.

Do you ever wake up and hear music that is not really there? This morning I woke up to The Cranberries “Zombie”, it was very loud and very vivid. I reached over to turn off the malfunctioning alarm clock only to determine that it was not the culprit, rolled over to look at the stereo and TV to find both were off. So I conceded, I mean if you are going to give up and listen to a song that you aren’t playing by your own will, there are a lot worse songs than Zombie that you could be stuck listening to.

I would like to take a moment that I do in fact like The Cranberries, and Zombie is one of my favorite songs of all time so **raspberry** if you feel otherwise.

Back to the story. Naturally I started singing along to it, that’s what I do.

On another side note, if you are trying to develop your fem voice, singing along to female singers is a great way to do it. The down side to this is that you can only stand so many show tunes and the Andrews Sisters, and to many great female artists sing in a pitch, with so much range, or in such a way that it is actually counter to picking up fem speaking characteristics. So, pick carefully, you don’t want to sound like a guy with a falsetto or Janis Joplin.

Okay, back to the story again. SO, I started singing, and the music stopped…. I got out of bed, and the house was empty, and everything in the bedroom capable of making crystal clear music was off and in proper order. I then started to look for The Cranberries CD, which I would like to add that I also own a copy of it on tape too in case you were unaware of how old the album was. The elusive album turned out to be residing in my car and as it turns out, the music was entirely in my mind. Which makes me wonder, what else is just a figment of my imagination?

The dog told me he wasn’t imaginary…

My parents on the other hand… I am starting to wonder, I mean, are there really people out there that are so entirely contradictive to themselves? It seems entirely plausible that my mind could be entirely messed up enough to fabricate their existence. “God loves everybody, except gays, trans people, and democrats.” “We will help you pay for college, here is $150 for tuition.” (Yeah for those that may think that $150 is a lot of money, it didn’t even pay for thee credit hours even when I was in college)…

In other news, I think it’s quite ironic that when you call the credit card company and tell them that you have lost your job and would like to repay your debt but will not be able to make payments until you are gainfully employed again, they tell you that they can not do anything to help you… Then, when you stop making payments because you still have no job, and therefore no income, they then try to reduce payments, and work with you.

Now if you don’t like conspiracy theories, then plug your ears, er eyes, for the next paragraph. In reality, what they are doing is making you default on your payments so they can jack up your interest rates to the “default penalty”. This is usually somewhere around 22-25%, they then try to con you back into making payments so they can keep your account open, and extort money from you claiming that you don’t want to mess up your credit. The reality is, by the time they jack up your rate to the default number, your credit is already jacked up. At any rate, if you choose not to play their game and fall into their trap, they start charging you late penalties until you meet your credit limit, and then start charging you over the limit fees as well for an additional six months to a year. This way, they can rack up charges on your account so that the account is delinquent for roughly double your principle. THEN the credit card company sells this bad debt to a collection agency for half of the balance which is by this time pretty much all of your principle. So at this point the only thing the credit card company actually loses is some time, and a small fraction of their principle, the rest of the “balance” is just tacked on fees. Its like if I lent you $5 today with the understanding that you would pay me back $6 next week, next week comes around you only pay me $5, I Haven’t technically lost anything, I just haven’t gained what I was promised. Or then I could turn around, and start charging you an additional dollar a week until your balance is now $10, I then sell this balance to another friend for $5 telling them that you actually owe me $10 and they stand to make a $5 profit by just collecting. IT IS ALL JUST A RACKET!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Chalk is Cheap!

This is a plea to you young to-be parents out there, PLEASE give your child a normal name, and SPELL it correctly.  This is one of my biggest pet peeves.  Why is it that people think it is important to give their child a crazy name?  They all to often seem to follow a pattern, for little boys it tends to be some variation of an old name, and then often they throw in a odd spelling and it turns out looking something like Kalen.  I know you’re reading that and know for a fact that however you read it, is NOT the way the parents pronounce it.  Little girls have some choice, they can either have some random word as their name like, Sparkle,  or they can have some obscene spelling of a classic name like, Gessikka…  Both of those are nothing compared to the obscene spelling of a random word for a name like Apiffany.

How many times have you picked up the phone to have your last name mispronounced?  It doesn’t matter how simple your last name may seem to you, it never fails that it gets butchered from time to time.  Even for the most hardened of mangled last name veterans, a little piece of you just wants to smack the person on the other end of the phone and tell them EXACTLY how to pronounce your last name.  Now, imagine if that happened with your first name as well! 

I understand that the main argument for this type of naming structure is to prevent the classroom with three Brians, or two Jennifers,  but trust me, what is worse, having the same first name as someone else, or having a name that nobody can read…  If you want a truly unique name that is unlikely to be found repeated in a classroom, go back in your family tree.  I am always amazed at how contemporary the most historical of names can sound.  You want something out there, pick a good family name, so at very least when someone asks your child why their name is so weird, they can reply that they were named after their great so-in-so Blah Blah…

Besides, everybody knows it’s fantastic fun to be in a class with four kids with the same first name and a substitute teacher.  “Brian, will you please come to the board and complete this math problem?“ Everybody in unison now “Which one!? *giggle giggle*”

Speaking of the “board”, I would like to take a moment to talk about why a chalk board is truly superior to the current standard “white board” (aka dry erase board). 

First of all, you can always identify when you will be unable to write on a chalk board, because no chalk = no writing.  A dry erase board is always littered with markers in all states of their life cycle.  Inevitably, half of them are dry, which even on a “dry” erase board is not a good thing.  The probability of finding a functioning dry erase marker is inversely proportionate to the number of markers located on the board.

The claimed reason for the shift from chalk to dry erase is supposedly due to the sensitivity of electronics to dust.  In the 1980’s and into the early 1990’s this may have been a valid point.  Computers were highly mechanical devices with plenty of moving parts.  Today however, computers are nearing completely solid state.  In a few years, likely the only moving part to be found on a computer will be the power button, and only because people need actual buttons to not destroy touch screens while turning them on and off.

Need another reason why chalk is superior?  How about the complete absence of VOCs.  I suppose depending on how you look at this it could be both an advantage and a disadvantage of the dry erase marker.  While it is quite evident that some teachers enjoy getting high while talking about the symbolism of The Scarlet Letter, even Hester Prynne could tell you that huffing markers is not good for you.

Finally, in a society where under funded schools are EVERYWHERE.  Chalk is cheap (I was aiming for a good chalk pun)  Dry erase markers are incredibly expensive, and the only good ones are the name brand variety which are REALLY expensive!  Lets go back to LOW TECH!

There is no Ice in Iceland, or My Freezer

So, while this may appear as though I have written two blog entries in the same day, in reality, that is not the case. Truth be told, I have been writing blog style journal entries in my computers word processing program for quite some time with the intent of eventually publishing them on the internet. Then last night I decided to do it after watching some seriously messed up people on and thinking to myself how being a sketchy person like that used to make me feel AMAZING! Of course, being that way was years of ADHD medication and psychotherapy ago. To be completely honest, I would really rather be that person than the “well adjusted” and miserable person I tend to be today. Thank you society for making me “normal”

In other news, if you are unaware the economy sucks right now. There should not be a point where you have to take college education off of your resume to make yourself more competitive in the job market. Yet that seems to be the case.

So, I would also like to discuss a company that for the sake of possible litigation shall remain nameless. Let just call them Fears and Bobuck Company. This company operates a division solely devoted to repairs and parts for the stuff that they sell. This in theory is a fantastic advantage for the do-it-yourselfer types such as myself. The theory is that, I buy a hypothetical appliance, for this example we shall say a refrigerator, from Fears and Bobuck Company, sold under their hypothetical brand name… um… Spendmore. Now while we all know that this Spendmore refrigerator is actually manufactured by a company that for the sake of this hypothetical senerio shall be called Aquatic-Vortex, we still buy this appliance at a premium knowing that we have a huge company like Fears and Bobuck Company to stand behind their “brand name” appliances with both support AND parts. Logically one would deduce that said Spendmore refrigerators parts would be available from Fears and Bobuck Company’s very own parts stores… THAT is where you would be wrong. If your Spendmore brand refrigerator breaks a $10 plastic automatic ice cube flipper-outer rod, Fears and Bobuck Company’s parts store must “order” the $10 plastic automatic ice cube flipper-outer rod and then charge you $8 to get the $10 plastic automatic ice cube flipper-outer rod shipped to you in 7-10 business days. Okay, I am not sure how many of you, if any have ever worked in shipping before, but in case you were unaware, average transit times for a certain tan (because they actually have another similar color trademarked) colored shipper range from 1-6 days across the entire united states, including Puerto Rico, Hawaii, AND Alaska… So, lets say that Fears and Bobuck Company’s parts distribution center is in Alaska, that way they can get their ANC perks. (look ANCs up if you don’t know what I’m talking about), This leaves between 1 and 4 days for the Fears & Bobuck company employee to pick up the $10 plastic automatic ice cube flipper-outer rod, put it in a box, and slap a tan colored shipping company label on it (that I would like to note would likely cost way less than $8 for a company the size of Fears and Bobuck). You’ve got to be kidding me! HOW THE HECK AM I GOING TO LIVE WITHOUT ICE!

Transition to a Non-Teriyaki Flavored Post Gender Apocalyptic World

So, I’ve been told that every day has a purpose. Pretty much anybody that tells you that is full of it. Lets take today for example. Aside from the fact that I feel miserable, it has served no purpose beyond filling out a date on the calendar. I suppose this all pretty much started at about this time last night. I could not for the life of me fall asleep. I guess a lot of that has to do with the fact that my emotions are so turbulent lately.

Now before any of you say what comes next when someone indicates that they’re having emotional troubles, no I do not need medication. I don’t feel as though happy pills are the solution for what I am feeling. Really quite the contrary. My emotions aren’t a mess because I lack direction, they’re disheveled due to lack of momentum.

As I am sure a lot of other trans people are aware, transition seems to come in one of three varieties. Fist goes to the lucky bastards that through one way or another decide at 16 they’re transition bound and by 18 are well on their way, by 21 its done. Then there are the older gang, that just happens to have a butt load of resources at their fingertips, and seemingly over a year or two it just gets done. Then there is the category that I fall in to. We are the people with finite resources (aka money) that for one reason or another always manage to be two steps behind the ball.

This on a side note brings about a question that I don’t really know how to answer. My doctor asked me “is money the only thing holding you back?” and without hesitation I said definitely. Now in retrospect, it’s likely not nearly that cut and dry. Sure lack of money does put a damper on the whole process, but is lack of it alone enough to postpone a truly dedicated trans person? That convolutes the whole answer for me. I suppose if I felt that I would rather die than live another day as a male, money alone wouldn’t stop me… Then on the other hand, do I have to be on the verge of suicide to qualify as a genuine trans person? Maybe I am more a genuine trans person because I have come to terms with what must happen for me to be happy long term and weigh that against the hand I have been dealt, to come up with a rational retort to the minds irrational demands for instantaneous results.

On to something completely different, has anybody else noticed that teriyaki flavored ramen seems to be extinct? I want my damn teriyaki ramen back!