Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The Pronoun Hangover

So, in an update for today, I have been feeling like absolute crud this week. Apparently a lot of it has to do with a ramble of butchered pronouns and such. Unfortunately for me, Marie’s (My girlfriend who I now feel is allowed to be named specifically in my blog despite me having her permission for months.) best friend is struggling to let go of the old me, and while I know it is harder for some people than others, it is now starting to trip up Marie as well. THAT really gets to me in a hurry. I know they are both trying hard, and I am not mad at either of them, it’s just a real emotional drain.

In other news, I suffered one of the worst hangovers in recallable history yesterday. Even though I didn’t drink in excess as I have in the past, apparently the culmination of emotional and physical stress manifested in the form of a REDICULUS hangover. It has been a really long time since I spent an entire day avoiding getting out of bed because I felt that crummy. In fact, I feel as though I am not entirely over it at the moment as just the act of sitting here is starting to make me nauseous and develop a but of a headache. BLAH!

As an update, I have been working on material for my VLOG project. I believe that I am up to three crummy videos at the moment. I really hope to get them up soon, and maybe stir up some readers for this side of it all. I know I am not much to look at, however, I think that is pretty much what I have going for me, just a real person going through a real transition without being “gifted” in any sort of way other than an awesome and somewhat confident personality!

Also, I am seriously considering adding some artistic content to both my BLOG and VLOG, what do you think? I have been digging through my pictures lately, and seriously considering building a professional portfolio of my other artwork. lol not that I have any prospects or talent, but I can pretend, AND since I don’t have any tattoos, I have to have some other angle to boost my hipster trendy appeal.

On a slightly more serious note, I am really missing my friends back home. I wish you guys were here….

Oh yeah! Last Friday I got my very first DC parking ticket. Apparently, you have to be five (5) feet away from an alley or driveway. Now, where that is measured to and from is apparently a completely arbitrary point derived through a complex series of proprietary algorithms passed down from one parking enforcement officer to another in a ritual performed deep in the bowels of the Metro and involving the sacrifice of babies and SmartTrip cards…… At any rate, it was only a $20 ticket, so I at least feel lucky in that respect, I guess…. I could have been towed, and THAT would have sucked hardcore…. I guess it was just my welcome to f*ckin DC card…

So yeah, next Tuesday is the next DCTC meeting, I really hope that it is slightly more productive for me and them this time than last time. I really need to read up on their news feeds via their website to see what is happening in real life…. It is quite discouraging to go to meetings and not feel involved at all…. Good times though…

Finally, I just wanted to take a moment to offer some encouragement to others like myself out there. I know that sometimes it seems as if nothing is going to work out no matter how hard you try. It is important to remember that things only work out if you DO try. I often find myself laying in bed staring at the ceiling thinking about everything looming over my head in transition, all of those barriers and road blocks at every turn, and all of that just seems daunting. Somehow, if I manage to get myself out of bed, something always happens to get me one step closer to that destination, albeit it is often small and seemingly insignificant when looking at the big picture, it is progress none the less. Just remember that every step, no matter how small it may be is one step further away from where you were, it may be in a direction that you didn’t intend, but sometimes the path in life does not follow the most convenient, logical, and efficient route, but always has the possibility of ending up where you want to be. All you have to do is keep trying!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

One Dead Sparrow

So, last night I went to my first "trans advocacy" meeting, it was okay, the concept rocks and I hope that with a few more visits I can actually get up to speed and get involved. TRUE!

So at any rate, today’s story starts with a FML moment. I was doing laundry this morning and decided to clean out the lint trap. Now normally you just pull out the screen and scrape off the lint, however this time I noticed a big clump a lint beyond the screen. Now me, having a healthy respect for 220V electricity, lead me to start off my un-plugging the dryer. Of course to un-plug the dryer you must move it away from the wall, which I did. I then cleaned out the lint trap and beyond. As I went to plug the dryer back in, I noticed that the exhaust duct had popped off while I was moving the dryer, so I grabbed the aluminum foil tube, and went to push it back on and noticed this:

Yup, that is a pair of feet and tail feathers belonging to one dead bird, not exactly a dead duck but definitely enough to make me hate my luck…..

In other news, we are well into week two of full time living as myself, and honestly its going pretty damn good! Of course like with everything in life, not exactly perfect, but all in all, it’s at least well enough to keep pushing forward.

Today, before the birdie incident, I sent out a handful of email forms regarding consultations for laser hair removal. In a trans woman’s life, this is a huge milestone as shaving in the manner in which you must in order to at least barely pass is anything but good for your face. As some of you may already know, but most likely most of you do not, my face is very VERY sensitive and tends to blister and peel after a close shave of the razor variety.  This can not continue or else I will go insane!

On a side note. it seems odd that before going full time, it was so much easier to feel pretty. I know it sounds sort of counter intuitive, but seriously, everything that used to make me feel better about myself via “dressing” is just routine at this point. THIS SUCKS! I mean seriously, if I can’t get joy out of the basics of life, what the heck am I supposed to do?

What I am talking about is just basically feeling good about myself just by the simple things, and while the “simple” things used to be stuff like being me, and just the act of spending time on myself being myself. Today, I do that every day and while this makes me happier than ever, it sort of undermines another smaller part of myself. What is someone supposed to do to regain the pretty feeling without facing a major change?

And finally to wrap this up, this weekend we are expecting some company in town, these will be our first house crashers since I’ve gone fulltime. I really am excited and scared about what all of this will mean to my daily ritual, or even how I approach taking care of myself and my presentation…. I hope everything will work out and all will be a success! Wish me luck!

That DC State of Mind

I just wanted to preface this blog with sorry about the delay, this doc has been open on my computer’s desktop for almost a week now and I kept telling myself that it needed some more filler…. Yeah, unfortunately a short blog is really better than a really out of date blog…. Sorry guys!

Hello there, greetings from Washington DC, the city in which I now reside! YEAH! At any rate, last Friday, an entire week and three days ago I loaded all of my earthly possessions into a rental truck and with the help of my best friend, drove all the way to DC overnight. The drive was pretty uneventful, and my best friend was an absolute life saver driving way more than I had even imagined he would. The end result, a safe trip for us, and a reunited family! The puppy dog has been absolutely thrilled to have his mom back in our pack. =)

With the big move came a huge milestone in my life…. I went fulltime! Now instead of being androgynous or in “boy mode” most of the time, I am me 100% of the time! All I can say is WOW! Though super duper scary, everything is slowly coming together. I can’t even begin to tell you how much better DC is than rural Florida for transitioning. People around here treat you like you’re invisible no matter whether your trans or cis. Either way, you’re just another body walking down the street to them. For me, this is good for now. I mean honestly I am transitioning to be treated as the gender I identify as, not be ignored by everybody. But being ignored by everybody is way better than feeling like a freakshow!

So, with that being said, my new life is primarily consumed with worrying about whether I pass or not, and not always if I pass or not as much as if I will ever pass…. I have gotten some feedback from people I know and/or talk to online and for the most part the consensus is that I am good to go, and the rest is just refinements that will only come with time and practice. I on the other hand see a boy when I look into the mirror. I believe I have talked about the Beer Goggles, and now I am seeing the girl in me without the aid of alcohol, but it is just not enough to feel confident about the whole shebang!

Aside from all of that, I have finally gotten to unpack and hang up my wardrobe in its entirety, well almost entirety, there are a bunch of boxes labeled “Do not open” which contain the safety net…. Those are the “If all else fails and I have to get a job stat” mess of blah…. Lets hope that it doesn’t come to that!

Finally, I am super duper excited about the prospect of becoming politically involved here regarding trans issues. It is not uncommon for me to have an opinion about all things political, but I actually want to be out educating the public that we as trans people do exist and that we are not the monsters some would like you to think…..