Welcome to the train wreck!
While I sit here listening to Christmas music (I do that when I feel really REALLY crummy because it tends to pick me up) trying to get out of my funk, I just can’t seem to get a foothold. I don’t know why I woke up in the funk this morning, but it is really kicking my ass! So far today, I have tried most of my old tricks, the hot shower, the Christmas music, the apple juice, the puppy pile, even chocolate couldn’t seem to break it… I hope this turns around, I mean is really isn’t making me want to go kill myself or anything, but am just not being productive at all.
Well, I guess writing a blog is somewhat productive. Maybe, sorta kinda.
I am doing some laundry at the moment, and it is accumulating in a large pile in the middle of my bed. At this point I am not sure what is better, dirty clothes in a basket out of the way, or a pile of clean clothes in the way. You all already know how I feel about folding, hanging, and other forms of clothing organization, so being not emotionally up to the task is further compounding the trouble of getting motivated and on task.
In other news, the “clothes sorting” project ended abruptly this morning when I gave up on it and threw all the leftovers back in their drawers just to get them out of my sight.
Is it wrong to struggle with this sort of “depression”? I mean, what is the acceptable level that is considered normal. I have been bloging on this page for about a week now and have mentioned being down quite frequently. While I reflect upon the week overall, it doesn’t seem as though it was a depressed week. I mean sure, I had my down time, but I definitely had at least as much up time along with that. Maybe it’s just that I feel most like writing or talking about how I feel when at the bottom of the barrel. Really, I’m not a depressed person, I swear! In fact, while writing this last sentence I was even smiling thinking about how crazy the whole thing sounds.
Maybe I just have some sort of personality disorder… In fact I would likely be willing to bet if I have one, I have several, so I suppose I could have multiple personality disorder, and each personality has it’s own disorder.
I mean, a lot of people really dislike me. That could be because I am sarcastic, or trans, or even just an asshole. Any way you slice it, people either really like me or really dislike me. So, does this trace back to a personality disorder, or is it just because I am surrounded by people that just don’t operate on the same wavelength as I do.
One of the cutest things on earth is a dog having a dream. My doggie is sitting next to me at the moment apparently having a really great dream. He seems to be running for a second, then he stops, jumps and barks a few times, and then picks up the chase again. His paws flailing and the muffled barks while he’s sleeping bring a huge smile to my face every time he does it. On a related note, without this dog, I would be a worse mess than I am at the moment. He has been following me around all day, and every time I stop to do something he either sits down or lays down while touching me. I guess he knows that I am in the funk and also knows that warm furry loving helps <3
Well, it’s time to throw another load of laundry on my bed, so I guess I better cut this one short.