So, I’ve been told that every day has a purpose. Pretty much anybody that tells you that is full of it. Lets take today for example. Aside from the fact that I feel miserable, it has served no purpose beyond filling out a date on the calendar. I suppose this all pretty much started at about this time last night. I could not for the life of me fall asleep. I guess a lot of that has to do with the fact that my emotions are so turbulent lately.
Now before any of you say what comes next when someone indicates that they’re having emotional troubles, no I do not need medication. I don’t feel as though happy pills are the solution for what I am feeling. Really quite the contrary. My emotions aren’t a mess because I lack direction, they’re disheveled due to lack of momentum.
As I am sure a lot of other trans people are aware, transition seems to come in one of three varieties. Fist goes to the lucky bastards that through one way or another decide at 16 they’re transition bound and by 18 are well on their way, by 21 its done. Then there are the older gang, that just happens to have a butt load of resources at their fingertips, and seemingly over a year or two it just gets done. Then there is the category that I fall in to. We are the people with finite resources (aka money) that for one reason or another always manage to be two steps behind the ball.
This on a side note brings about a question that I don’t really know how to answer. My doctor asked me “is money the only thing holding you back?” and without hesitation I said definitely. Now in retrospect, it’s likely not nearly that cut and dry. Sure lack of money does put a damper on the whole process, but is lack of it alone enough to postpone a truly dedicated trans person? That convolutes the whole answer for me. I suppose if I felt that I would rather die than live another day as a male, money alone wouldn’t stop me… Then on the other hand, do I have to be on the verge of suicide to qualify as a genuine trans person? Maybe I am more a genuine trans person because I have come to terms with what must happen for me to be happy long term and weigh that against the hand I have been dealt, to come up with a rational retort to the minds irrational demands for instantaneous results.
On to something completely different, has anybody else noticed that teriyaki flavored ramen seems to be extinct? I want my damn teriyaki ramen back!