Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Feeling Good About Feeling Bad

It is not too often in life when you can take a moment when you feel really crummy, and be happy about it. Today is one of those days… I am currently in the air on the way from DC to Orlando and thus home, the crummy part of that is the fact that my girlfriend is not with me on this flight. She has a few more weeks of her internship left and hopefully will either end up home or with a job in a city that I will join her in. Either way, I am feeling good about the prospects, but feeling well over the game of only seeing each other every now and then.

There is not too whole lot else going on though. When I left home to visit DC, I somehow felt hopeful that it was going to be one of those trips where it never ends, it leaves some part of your life forever changed in a way that alters the direction you’re headed. Unfortunately that was not the end result of this trip. On the up side, it is now, more than ever clear that a life in DC would be okay, provided three things. One, I get to be with my girlfriend. Two, we can find some new friends in the new city that at very least not regret moving 1000+ miles from my current friends, and three, we can find a place to live within our means and when I say within our means, that includes the continuing costs of transition.

Speaking of living within our means you know you’re in for it when you plug in your current location and DC in to a cost of living calculator and the average cost of housing is 123% greater in DC than in Florida…. I really adore the area between Arlington and Vienna while my girlfriend tends to be of the belief that living close to work would be a better scenario for us… I dunno, maybe she’s right, I mean you could easily spend $200 a month each just to take the Metro back and forth to work, and that doesn’t include any bus connections that you may need to make in order to make your walk (or bike ride) reasonable. All of that considered, if we lived in DC proper, I would have to pay (I believe it is $150) for the privliage to park my car, and that doesn’t even guarantee you a spot to park…I am fairly certain that is not the case with any of the places outside of the district.

Get rid of my car? NEVER, I would rather live in and commute from BFE than be Volkswagen-less =)
And like always, input is always welcome, so comment away… all two of you that read my blog lol.
At any rate, back to the topic, the emotional side of all of this. I have been struggling lately with helpless feelings of being stuck as one ugly mutha’ for the rest of my life. And while my girlfriend is nothing but complimentary to me, I cant help but think that she speaks from the mothers perspective, you know the one where they will never tell you the truth because they have to live with you…. At any rate, the fact of the matter is that I am fairly certain that every trans person goes through this, and in fact I would be willing to bet that most of us battle with it for the entire transition process if not beyond. I am not immune to the dredge, and I willingly admit the real challenge is getting beyond that. I really want nothing more than to disappear into society, not get the stares, avoid the laughter and snickering, no pointing, no mis-used pronouns, nothing but going back to invisible to the unaided eye. So how this translates into my life, well it doesn’t really make much of a difference in between the act of getting out of bed and the act of going to sleep. In the middle of my day I go about life business as usual and put this concerns on the shelf because I choose not to spend my life feeling crummy over things I have no immediate control over. Lets take for example my Roman nose, I can’t fix it today so there is no real reason to let it be part of my order of business for the day, so in turn, I have saved enough time that I can write a blog for nobody to read =)

I guess what I am beating around the bush at is that while the long term results aren’t bothering me, it is the short term results. At this point, hormones are starting to make changes (aka BOOBIES!) that are not conducive to the don’t worry about tomorrow until tomorrow strategy. I have come to the doorstep of no looking back, but I have no idea how to look forward. When we move the plan has been to transition in a new city with new people and less hostile environment than my current location provides. This move is looming in the immediate future yet I am still absolutely clueless about the essentials of life post boy-hood. I have a very limited budget, finite wardrobe, and by no means any clue how to operate hair and make-up. Seriously, I’ve had my whole life to work on these things, but never a hands on role model to help me work them out.

What the heck am I going to do?

In the words of “The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy” “DON’T PANIC!”

But I am confused like no otha’ mutha’

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