SO, passing has become a very prominent issue on my mind lately. For those of you that don’t know, the term “passing” refers to whether or not a trans person “passes” as their intended gender. So in my case, I would like to “pass” as female. Now, I know that I ain’t exactly pretty folk, but I ain’t a double bagger either.
For those of you that know me well, most of everything I attempt and am certain will not turn out well, I approach with the “Eh, who the f*ck cares” attitude. This has served me well through most of my life and allows me to focus on the task at hand instead of the end results. That being said, I sort of planned to approach this in the same way… Actually more than planned, actually started off this way…
I know I am going to get in trouble for having not told my girlfriend this before actually writing it in my blog, but up to this point, well even beyond this point, I have very mixed emotions about the significance of what I am going to share next.
Over the last week, on a few occasions, I have gone out, in an androgynous state, wardrobe and whatnot included. I wouldn’t say 100% androgynous, but with a slight favor for the feminine. At any rate, this is po-dunk Florida, and in retrospect, this may have been dangerous to do by myself, I needed to know what people would do… I just wanted to see what engaging in my day to day activities would be like if I didn’t really try all that hard, you know, “Who the f*ck cares”. No make-up, no perfume, no outwardly 100% undeniable female attire, just plane Jane me wearing plane Jane clothes.
This is where it starts to get mixed feelings… First stop, public library. This is a pretty neutral zone, and I figured being close to home would allow me a quick retreat if the androgyny experiment was a failure. In I walked to turn in a book and pick up one that I had on reserve. Problem, where the heck was my library card. As I fumbled through my coin purse/wallet trying to find my library card, the little old lady at the counter said, “If you have your drivers license I can check it out to you manually”, so without hesitation, I whipped out my drivers license, and the poor lady looked at is as if she had seen Sasquatch streaking through the library…. It was then I realized that she must have not realized I was a boy, and in fact she had actually said “Ma’am, if you have your drivers license I can check it out to you manually” PLUS ONE for Dana, no trying, just doing resulted in one plus size SCORE!
I then went to the local natural food grocery store. The library went well and since hippies and liberals tend to be the health food nuts around here, I figured that the next stop was going to be equally as open minded. I walked down the isles looking for a bottle of almond oil (which in a side note is what I am using for PM skin moisturizer) and I couldn’t seem to find any. So, I stopped one of the stock people, a teenage boy probably 17 or so. He didn’t know exactly where it was but was happy to find out from another stock person. He then led me right to where it was supposed to be (and wasn’t) all the while using a mixture of non gender specific pronouns through the whole process. Well played, I can live with non gender specificity. I picked up a bottle of clove oil which was also on my list and made my way to the checkout. This time I wasn’t so lucky, the woman behind the register took great pride in calling me “Sir” no less than 6 times in the course of our 30 seconds worth of talking… Overall net score for this stop 0-1=-1 FAIL!
Slightly bruised, I went to the Mart of Wal. Now this place should be one of the easiest places to pass, I mean seriously, these people deal with ever segment of the community day in and day out. The purpose of this stop was to buy some hair ties. I picked the mega package of hair ties, they should last about a month before they’re all lost or broken, and walked to the checkout. In normal Mart of Wal fashion, the cashier barely looked up at me before grabbing my item to scan. As she scanned my item, she said “Did you find everything you needed ma………….er” I looked up from the credit key pad to find the cashier giving me the deer in headlights look. I smiled and said, yes, yes I did. Smiled and commented on my hair color (100% natural I might add), as she handed me my receipt. As I walked out I felt that overall that was a victory, at first glance, I was fine, but when analyzed, it started to fail, but for androgyny, that is to be expected. Plus ONE!
I hopped in my car please with the current positive points standing but as soon as I started my car, I ended up with one unplanned stop… THE GAS STATION! The Mart of Wal happens to have one in their parking lot, so that is where I went. As I was pumping gas, a gentleman (and I use the term in the loosest of ways) was pumping gas on the other side of the pump. He leaned over and caught my eye, and as I looked up he said “Cut yer hair BOY!”….. Now, this is not the first time some redneck has said that to me, however, it was the first time a redneck said that to me while I was hopped up on female hormones. I quickly replied (and in retrospect I should have kept my mouth shut) in my best female voice, “Why the f*ck don’t you save yourself some money and buy a brain and a better line a**hole” and proceeded to present my middle finger in the upright and locked position…. You know how they say right before you die your life flashes before your eyes, well, I started to think about all the times in my life I had ever mouthed off to someone bigger than me, and the events that followed, a cold flush fell upon me. FORTUNATELY, the redneck was so flustered that he immediately stopped pumping gas (at $6.64) got in his truck and tires squealing, raced out of the gas station. SO, tally on this stop…. While the rebuttal was a definite 100% personal victory for standing up for myself, it was definitely a failure for this experiment -1.…
So, I ended the trip at an absolute wash…. Sort of successful, sort of not, which leaves me with mixed feelings, bittersweet so to say. At first glance without trying, apparently I can pass, which by any stretch of the imagination is a good thing. The bad thing is I can also fail miserably. The pass votes were sort of mixed, but all of the fail votes were 100%. The question then turns to what about me doesn’t pass, and is it something I can change without a scalpel and a bone saw?
What do you all think? I posted a new picture of myself as I appeared on andro day but with a different shirt (I was wearing a t-shirt that day) just to see what others thought….